Do you ever feel defeated? well, I have been feeling like that since my last post and all day today. It was so bad and my heart weighed so heavy that I didn't attend church last Sunday. It is very tough right now in Lagos, in Nigeria in fact. There is no fuel (gas), no power, the weather is desperately HOT, cost of goods and commodities have more than doubled in price... everything is expensive and the salary is still the same. It is very frustrating you know, especially having to deal with all of this as a single woman.... You know what, the frustration is getting to everyone. A married colleague recently told me I don't have anything to live for. Can you imagine hearing that and listening to someone say that to you with such venom? I love living in Lagos, most of my friends are here, but, if I get a good job in Port Harcourt, I would move in a heart beat; my parents and siblings are all there, and I won't have to miss out on all the family events. it would also be a lot easier to deal with all this hullabaloo when you have loved ones around... sigh... today doesn't feel right at all.
Anyway... I am certainly not doing well as far as my dieting (not quite sure to call it a diet though)....I renewed my love for cake! it is so comforting just to eat a piece and another...sigh...I have to work on getting my mojo back....
Tuesday 5 July 2016
Saturday 19 March 2016
Fake relationships - Hazards of living life as a curvy woman Part 2
Oh Ijay.... I haven't written anything in 3 days!!! I have had very busy evenings **wink**
So... I just thought I must write this. I just have to. As a beautiful (yes I am) single woman, I get attention from men every now and then... sometimes I get a lot of attention from all sorts of men in fact, single, married, rich, not so rich, handsome, not so handsome. I do get some attention.
But... as the years have gone by, I have realized that not all the attention is genuine. Apart from my ex-boyfriend, you know that one guy you dated through out your university days, youth service days and a year or 2 after you start work? Well, I think that was the only real, genuine relationship I ever had. Everyone knew we were an item you know, it didn't end the way I wanted but I can say it was real, our relationship was really good until it went south.
Afterwards, I noticed that most guys just wanted me around for a particular reason. I once dated a guy who just wanted to show me off to his friends. That's all, he just wanted to show me off...every weekend, we would go out for drinks, and hang out with our friends; and I noticed he would always send me a text and say I should make sure whatever I would wear highlights my curves...smh... We never got intimate oh... He just loved the good life, hanging out every weekend. I eventually learnt that was just his thing...he just loves hanging out with curvy women (he still does, I still dey hear im gist).
I have also dated a guy just because he likes having sex with curvy women (hmmm...well, I found out eventually). By the way, I never said I was a virgin so...close your mouth and stop judging..., I have since started living a Christian, celibate life...so...(I am not a saint, I am a work in progress...biko don't judge!!!). So... this guy just wanted a curvy woman and when I started putting pressure on him to contextualize "our" relationship, he didn't have anything to say so I had to end it. You know, the relationship was going great and all, but I noticed we didn't go to very public places, we didn't go to church together (he was an ardent church goer by the way) we only went to quiet, coded hang out places, and he never took me out in broad daylight (covers my face). Our relationship was very secret, he hid me from his neighbors, family, close friends...smh... Anyway...he eventually got married to a younger, slim, woman. (Mr???? Have you read about the law of cama and retributive justice? Well, that's all I am asking oh...)
I have decided therefore, (albeit too late?) to give every guy that comes my way the proverbial long rope...oh... you have to earn my attention and my presence going forward.
It is another beautiful Saturday evening, I had an interesting day and would certainly have a relaxing evening. If anyone is reading this, I hope you have a great weekend.
#keepnmyheadup #RCCGworker #rebrandninprogress
So... I just thought I must write this. I just have to. As a beautiful (yes I am) single woman, I get attention from men every now and then... sometimes I get a lot of attention from all sorts of men in fact, single, married, rich, not so rich, handsome, not so handsome. I do get some attention.
But... as the years have gone by, I have realized that not all the attention is genuine. Apart from my ex-boyfriend, you know that one guy you dated through out your university days, youth service days and a year or 2 after you start work? Well, I think that was the only real, genuine relationship I ever had. Everyone knew we were an item you know, it didn't end the way I wanted but I can say it was real, our relationship was really good until it went south.
Afterwards, I noticed that most guys just wanted me around for a particular reason. I once dated a guy who just wanted to show me off to his friends. That's all, he just wanted to show me off...every weekend, we would go out for drinks, and hang out with our friends; and I noticed he would always send me a text and say I should make sure whatever I would wear highlights my curves...smh... We never got intimate oh... He just loved the good life, hanging out every weekend. I eventually learnt that was just his thing...he just loves hanging out with curvy women (he still does, I still dey hear im gist).
I have also dated a guy just because he likes having sex with curvy women (hmmm...well, I found out eventually). By the way, I never said I was a virgin so...close your mouth and stop judging..., I have since started living a Christian, celibate life...so...(I am not a saint, I am a work in progress...biko don't judge!!!). So... this guy just wanted a curvy woman and when I started putting pressure on him to contextualize "our" relationship, he didn't have anything to say so I had to end it. You know, the relationship was going great and all, but I noticed we didn't go to very public places, we didn't go to church together (he was an ardent church goer by the way) we only went to quiet, coded hang out places, and he never took me out in broad daylight (covers my face). Our relationship was very secret, he hid me from his neighbors, family, close friends...smh... Anyway...he eventually got married to a younger, slim, woman. (Mr???? Have you read about the law of cama and retributive justice? Well, that's all I am asking oh...)
I have decided therefore, (albeit too late?) to give every guy that comes my way the proverbial long rope...oh... you have to earn my attention and my presence going forward.
It is another beautiful Saturday evening, I had an interesting day and would certainly have a relaxing evening. If anyone is reading this, I hope you have a great weekend.
#keepnmyheadup #RCCGworker #rebrandninprogress
Tuesday 15 March 2016
Cozying up into the week
Tuesday 15th, 2016. Yesterday (Monday) was great. I went on a praise fast. I just wanted to praise God in a fast so I just played my gospel songs and stayed plugged in all day. I am still not on any engagement but I helped with some research work for a proposal. Today was also one of those days...you know days you feel invincible, confident and empowered (could it be the leopard skin skirt?). Well, whatever it was, I felt good with myself. I am currently on a quest to find a leopard skin jacket my size; if a skirt made me feel that good, then a jacket may make me float in the air (lol), and then I will graduate to a full dress...ok that may just be too much... but I don't care, I will certainly do it and take pictures (rofl) I go just dey #feelmaself
I have also been feeling pretty good with my diet (at least this weekend after my doc visit, I tried to keep it to a meal a day and some garden eggs or carrots in the evening) I will also work towards getting myself a scale so I can monitor my weight myself without having to visit the hospital (yeah... I can hear you wondering to yourself...huh..."she doesn't have a scale yet?" No I don't...yet)
Today I had white rice and beans in the afternoon with zobo drink. Well, someone sells zobo drink in my office and I feel I should have that instead of a coke or any other soda. I am so hungry now and would love to eat something, but it is quite late so I will just keep guzzling water till I fall asleap.
Hmmmmmm....shaking my head while clapping my hands... Wonders will never end oh. So someone contacted me yesterday. Well, he sent me an FB invite and message since 2014 but I didn't add him because I noticed his wife is a mutual friend on FB. Anyway, I eventually added him and responded to his messages and he ended up collecting my watsapp number and of course he called too. I spoke with him that same day. I am not sure what we would talk about next because we literally said everything we had to say; it turned out we attended the same school and that he was 4 years my senior in school, he is married with 3 adorable kids. So I would just keep an open mind and whenever it gets awkward I will check him.
I have also been feeling pretty good with my diet (at least this weekend after my doc visit, I tried to keep it to a meal a day and some garden eggs or carrots in the evening) I will also work towards getting myself a scale so I can monitor my weight myself without having to visit the hospital (yeah... I can hear you wondering to yourself...huh..."she doesn't have a scale yet?" No I don't...yet)
Today I had white rice and beans in the afternoon with zobo drink. Well, someone sells zobo drink in my office and I feel I should have that instead of a coke or any other soda. I am so hungry now and would love to eat something, but it is quite late so I will just keep guzzling water till I fall asleap.
Hmmmmmm....shaking my head while clapping my hands... Wonders will never end oh. So someone contacted me yesterday. Well, he sent me an FB invite and message since 2014 but I didn't add him because I noticed his wife is a mutual friend on FB. Anyway, I eventually added him and responded to his messages and he ended up collecting my watsapp number and of course he called too. I spoke with him that same day. I am not sure what we would talk about next because we literally said everything we had to say; it turned out we attended the same school and that he was 4 years my senior in school, he is married with 3 adorable kids. So I would just keep an open mind and whenever it gets awkward I will check him.
Monday 14 March 2016
Monday Blues...
Hello Ijay!!!... Well, I did mention I started this blog so I can have an outlet to express myself and just write about anything, if someday anyone comes across it and reads it, great, otherwise, I am realizing everyday that this is quite therapeutic...
So I had a good weekend; very restful weekend in fact. One of them dudes came visiting, guess what? I didn't let him into the house (yes oh, no time wasters pls); that is part of my new resolve. I used to let him in, cook for him, hand him my dstv remote and make him feel really comfortable, sometimes he even dozes off... until I realized he wasn't reciprocating. He never invited me to his house and he has never invited me out. Come on guys, if you want to woo a woman, make great efforts for God's sake! coming to relax in her house isn't "dating" ah ah!!! Last year I hinted that before he enters my apartment again, he would have to define our relationship and failure to do that would result in us talking outside. He must have thought; this desperate, single, aging woman must be joking...So, on Saturday, he waltzed into my estate and called to say he was in front of my gate. I came out, under the scorching sun (it was hot that day sha); he was about to get into the compound and I said no, we will just sit outside, and he said let's get into his car instead because the weather was very hot that day (there was fuel scarcity that period 13/3/2016, so I thought, this guy won't spend more than 10 minutes here). Anyway, I kept silent most of the time, he had absolutely nothing to say or offer, he literally came to waste time with me as usual, he was just blabbering on and on about nothing while I just listened. I was looking at the digital clock on his dashboard, and just as I predicted immediately he had spent 11 - 15 minutes, he remembered he had to go and pick up something...(I just gave him spiritual side eyes). He eventually left and something tells me he wouldn't be coming back.
Wait oh, shouldn't I be talking about Monday? ***covers face***
Well, Monday went well. it was a slow day though. I currently don't have any billable hours but I was able to touch up on a report I had been working on for weeks and then I couriered the hard copies to the client; they were very happy. I also joined my manager for the partner review for another engagement I was part of (now this was an annoying experience because the review created more work for us...I came out of that meeting room with a very straight face... when and if I eventually get to that level, I would ensure I am part of the engagement so I can make corrections timely {I guess this is easier said than done} well, let me wait and see). I work in a professional services firm and when you are not charging or billing hours or time to any engagement, your percentage utilization starts nose diving in an alacritous manner. Unfortunately, I might be unassigned for another week or 2 because some of the clients are stalling on signing the SOWs... oh well, I will just wait and see what happens.
What did I eat today.... hmmmm I decided to go on a fast today (unspiritual); well I heard every now and then we should let the digestive system get some rest). I got home pretty early and broke my fast with moin moin and chilled zobo. I also feel like taking a walk so once I post this, I would down 2 streets and back.... just to clear my thoughts... I wish there was somewhere I could go and scream!!!! and scream and scream!!! I have a lot bottled up...sigh... anyways...let me get my playlist sorted and off to my walk...
So I had a good weekend; very restful weekend in fact. One of them dudes came visiting, guess what? I didn't let him into the house (yes oh, no time wasters pls); that is part of my new resolve. I used to let him in, cook for him, hand him my dstv remote and make him feel really comfortable, sometimes he even dozes off... until I realized he wasn't reciprocating. He never invited me to his house and he has never invited me out. Come on guys, if you want to woo a woman, make great efforts for God's sake! coming to relax in her house isn't "dating" ah ah!!! Last year I hinted that before he enters my apartment again, he would have to define our relationship and failure to do that would result in us talking outside. He must have thought; this desperate, single, aging woman must be joking...So, on Saturday, he waltzed into my estate and called to say he was in front of my gate. I came out, under the scorching sun (it was hot that day sha); he was about to get into the compound and I said no, we will just sit outside, and he said let's get into his car instead because the weather was very hot that day (there was fuel scarcity that period 13/3/2016, so I thought, this guy won't spend more than 10 minutes here). Anyway, I kept silent most of the time, he had absolutely nothing to say or offer, he literally came to waste time with me as usual, he was just blabbering on and on about nothing while I just listened. I was looking at the digital clock on his dashboard, and just as I predicted immediately he had spent 11 - 15 minutes, he remembered he had to go and pick up something...(I just gave him spiritual side eyes). He eventually left and something tells me he wouldn't be coming back.
Wait oh, shouldn't I be talking about Monday? ***covers face***
Well, Monday went well. it was a slow day though. I currently don't have any billable hours but I was able to touch up on a report I had been working on for weeks and then I couriered the hard copies to the client; they were very happy. I also joined my manager for the partner review for another engagement I was part of (now this was an annoying experience because the review created more work for us...I came out of that meeting room with a very straight face... when and if I eventually get to that level, I would ensure I am part of the engagement so I can make corrections timely {I guess this is easier said than done} well, let me wait and see). I work in a professional services firm and when you are not charging or billing hours or time to any engagement, your percentage utilization starts nose diving in an alacritous manner. Unfortunately, I might be unassigned for another week or 2 because some of the clients are stalling on signing the SOWs... oh well, I will just wait and see what happens.
What did I eat today.... hmmmm I decided to go on a fast today (unspiritual); well I heard every now and then we should let the digestive system get some rest). I got home pretty early and broke my fast with moin moin and chilled zobo. I also feel like taking a walk so once I post this, I would down 2 streets and back.... just to clear my thoughts... I wish there was somewhere I could go and scream!!!! and scream and scream!!! I have a lot bottled up...sigh... anyways...let me get my playlist sorted and off to my walk...
Sunday 13 March 2016
Low moments - Hazards of living life as a curvy woman Part 1
I am sure you are wondering why I chose to use the term curvy instead of just calling myself fat? Please stop wondering abeg. Who likes to call themselves fat anyway? I am curvy! Leave it like that joor!
I was on my way back from church today and remembered I have to go on a trip for a job shortly. I do love travelling, but I hate flying. Why? Well, the plane seats have become too tight for me and the seat belts almost choke me to death these days and so I have resorted to asking for the seat belt extensions. Sigh... It is actually embarrassing to do that and so I sometimes claim I am pregnant, especially when the flight attendant has this "what!" look on their face, once I add "I am pregnant" to my request, the expression on their face changes to "phew, ok... a moment madam". Some of them understand straight away and give me a wink, or a nod and quietly get me an extension; now that is professionalism. But professionalism or not, the truth remains that this is embarrassing...period! it is. It really is!!!. I cant wait to get back to the days when I have to just buckle up and go. No seat belt extensions! Chai! that would be the day oh. Lol... sometimes when I am travelling with colleagues, I try to get them to seat separately from me... I can imagine them gossiping "did you see Ijay requesting for seat belt extension? hmmm...na wah oh... I know she is fat, but to ask for an extra seat belt? her case is serious oh...hmmm" My colleagues can pretend for Africa, well, some of them sha... and I know at some point they have talked about it. So what I do these days, if we are travelling as a group, I whisper to the travel agent to seat me separately from the entire group. ***covers face*** Leave me joor, I have to travel in peace and have some dignity while at it.
By the way, all of this doesn't stop me from being my fierce, fabulous self but it is one of those things that you think about just before your go to bed... you know, that moment when you lay down, winding down for the day, head on your pillow, face up, and events of the day just playing though your head? now don't pretend you don't do that. I usually just shake my head and just think about how embarrassing that felt.
I can't wait to write / publish an update to this post. That moment when I can use the plane seatbelt again, without an extension... aaah! that would be the day, I would be so excited to write about it. #watchthisspace
I was on my way back from church today and remembered I have to go on a trip for a job shortly. I do love travelling, but I hate flying. Why? Well, the plane seats have become too tight for me and the seat belts almost choke me to death these days and so I have resorted to asking for the seat belt extensions. Sigh... It is actually embarrassing to do that and so I sometimes claim I am pregnant, especially when the flight attendant has this "what!" look on their face, once I add "I am pregnant" to my request, the expression on their face changes to "phew, ok... a moment madam". Some of them understand straight away and give me a wink, or a nod and quietly get me an extension; now that is professionalism. But professionalism or not, the truth remains that this is embarrassing...period! it is. It really is!!!. I cant wait to get back to the days when I have to just buckle up and go. No seat belt extensions! Chai! that would be the day oh. Lol... sometimes when I am travelling with colleagues, I try to get them to seat separately from me... I can imagine them gossiping "did you see Ijay requesting for seat belt extension? hmmm...na wah oh... I know she is fat, but to ask for an extra seat belt? her case is serious oh...hmmm" My colleagues can pretend for Africa, well, some of them sha... and I know at some point they have talked about it. So what I do these days, if we are travelling as a group, I whisper to the travel agent to seat me separately from the entire group. ***covers face*** Leave me joor, I have to travel in peace and have some dignity while at it.
By the way, all of this doesn't stop me from being my fierce, fabulous self but it is one of those things that you think about just before your go to bed... you know, that moment when you lay down, winding down for the day, head on your pillow, face up, and events of the day just playing though your head? now don't pretend you don't do that. I usually just shake my head and just think about how embarrassing that felt.
I can't wait to write / publish an update to this post. That moment when I can use the plane seatbelt again, without an extension... aaah! that would be the day, I would be so excited to write about it. #watchthisspace
Saturday 12 March 2016
How Long Have you struggled with your weight?
Well, I have struggled with my weight for a long time... did I say a LONG time? I think it got out of control after my secondary school days. I attended a boarding school and if you understand, that means having limited access to food; I was literally starving all the time, our portions were really pint sized. I love food, I am not going to even pretend or lie about that. I do love eating!!! Naija food taste good! So I learnt how to indulge really fast.
As I was saying, it did get out of control after I left my boarding school and had access to the kitchen, I love my parents, but there was free access to the fridge and freezer... so you can sneak in and get your slice of cake, a few scoops of ice-cream, there was pocket money here and there so I could stroll down to the aboki down the street or the neighborhood supermarket to get chocolate, biscuits, chewing gum, sweets... in fact... just name it and I had access to it (I would check that when and if I eventually make babies with the man of my dreams).
My dad (I love him to death by the way) comes home at least once a week with a bucket of ice cream and my mummy dearest always encouraged us to learn our way around the kitchen so she would let us bake or cook now and again (I have three beautiful sisters but I turned out to be the orobo of them all (sigh) even my only brother is fit!)
Anyway, after I got into university, my situation progressively got worse. I remember I was just not conscious about my body. I just didn't care, I ate any and everything as long as it tastes good, if I want it, I get it. I also had friends that just loved me and didn't care how I looked (my love to Diane Oriaku (now Mrs Ademola), Peace Mbagwu (now Mrs Umechuruba), Chioma Ibeawuchi (now Mrs Ikedum), Helen Abigo, and mua (yeah...I guess we are still waiting for that special one) . I also had a handsome boyfriend that loved me (he eventually dumped me and married another lady...story for another day), he was very cute, you know, the textbook definition of every woman's knight in shinning amour; tall, black and handsome... plus he was smart and very ambitious. I am naturally very confident, so all of these even added to my confidence and so I really stood out. I hardly go unnoticed.
Fast forward to present day 12/march/2016, my weight issues only went one way; I have only grown bigger. I visited my doctor today (a dark, well spoken, single, dashing young man) and I weighed in at 136kg. No, that is not a typo, you read correctly, 136kg, that is 229.2 pounds... Did that bother me, YES! (especially when this doctor moved his lips and said "madam you have to lose weight"...smh... I almost said to him, "dr, you have to grow taller"***covers face***). Do I plan to add any more weight, NO!. I have decided. To take control and take account of my life.
I am beautiful, intelligent and single, it is time to take control over my life. I am not sure how I am going to do it, but I will.
And I have decided I will document my thoughts here everyday till I tell you I have lost half my body weight....lol.... that will be the day right? It is very doable oh, I will do it.
I am not sure who my audience is for this blog, I am probably going to be my only audience, I don't even care. But I need to express myself somehow and this is a great medium for that. #firstblogpost #inspired #LifestyleChange.
I CAN DO THIS.
As I was saying, it did get out of control after I left my boarding school and had access to the kitchen, I love my parents, but there was free access to the fridge and freezer... so you can sneak in and get your slice of cake, a few scoops of ice-cream, there was pocket money here and there so I could stroll down to the aboki down the street or the neighborhood supermarket to get chocolate, biscuits, chewing gum, sweets... in fact... just name it and I had access to it (I would check that when and if I eventually make babies with the man of my dreams).
My dad (I love him to death by the way) comes home at least once a week with a bucket of ice cream and my mummy dearest always encouraged us to learn our way around the kitchen so she would let us bake or cook now and again (I have three beautiful sisters but I turned out to be the orobo of them all (sigh) even my only brother is fit!)
Anyway, after I got into university, my situation progressively got worse. I remember I was just not conscious about my body. I just didn't care, I ate any and everything as long as it tastes good, if I want it, I get it. I also had friends that just loved me and didn't care how I looked (my love to Diane Oriaku (now Mrs Ademola), Peace Mbagwu (now Mrs Umechuruba), Chioma Ibeawuchi (now Mrs Ikedum), Helen Abigo, and mua (yeah...I guess we are still waiting for that special one) . I also had a handsome boyfriend that loved me (he eventually dumped me and married another lady...story for another day), he was very cute, you know, the textbook definition of every woman's knight in shinning amour; tall, black and handsome... plus he was smart and very ambitious. I am naturally very confident, so all of these even added to my confidence and so I really stood out. I hardly go unnoticed.
Fast forward to present day 12/march/2016, my weight issues only went one way; I have only grown bigger. I visited my doctor today (a dark, well spoken, single, dashing young man) and I weighed in at 136kg. No, that is not a typo, you read correctly, 136kg, that is 229.2 pounds... Did that bother me, YES! (especially when this doctor moved his lips and said "madam you have to lose weight"...smh... I almost said to him, "dr, you have to grow taller"***covers face***). Do I plan to add any more weight, NO!. I have decided. To take control and take account of my life.
I am beautiful, intelligent and single, it is time to take control over my life. I am not sure how I am going to do it, but I will.
And I have decided I will document my thoughts here everyday till I tell you I have lost half my body weight....lol.... that will be the day right? It is very doable oh, I will do it.
I am not sure who my audience is for this blog, I am probably going to be my only audience, I don't even care. But I need to express myself somehow and this is a great medium for that. #firstblogpost #inspired #LifestyleChange.
I CAN DO THIS.
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